The period, I mean. One minute I'm in English class, my stomach's going crazy, and I feel so self conscious in a skirt i just want to sink through the floor and be gone. The next moment I'm walking to my history class, and it's gone instead. I know I should be relieved, and I know I'm just being a worry wort... but I'm scared. I was scared of my period, but at least I knew it was natural; sorta. Having it just stop like this... it feels like I'm back in uncharted water, and I'm terrified.
I know that everyone wants me to go out and explore, and have a wonderful life as this "Kaitlyn," girl, and I should! I honestly should. "Kaitlyn" is no different than me, other than being female - if she goes out and does a few more things, it's because guys are a lot more likely to go out of their way to invite her to things. If she's pretty nervous right now, it's only because... because I'm scared out of my wits. Because no matter how brave a face I put on it, I am terrified.
I know I should explore, learn, be a better writer with this. I know that this is something that most people will never be able to experience - that this is a chance to learn what normal guys never could. But if it's permanent, than I'll have my entire life to learn, and it'll be my male experiences I'll have to lean on to deal with the jerks of the world. If it's temporary, than maybe I can do it again... after I know what's going on.
I just want to know who's doing this to me, before I go out and try to forget my troubles, or any similar cliche. I know everyone is trying to help, but I don't think I can relax feeling that - for all I know - someone can turn my life upside down with a flick of a switch. They can keep me female, turn me male again right when I'm starting to accept things, double my breast size - that's not as fun as it sounds, boys. Trust me.
I just... for the time being, I need to be on guard. Just in case. I promise I'll try to get as much out of this as I can, but please accept that one of the things I have to get out of this is the peace of mind that my life isn't at the whim of someone straight from a comic book with a remote control, or an alien being who's bored, or... I don't even know!
The only thing keeping me sane are my friends - Andrea, and escape for Two, and Kerina most of all. She's still awesome, and stuff... she makes me feel relaxed, and happy, and tooootally unconcerned about EVERYTHING. :)