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carlies by hearmerawrr

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January 3, 2011
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The Guide to using found objects as weapons:

Rule 1: If you can lift it, you can hit something with it. No, really, try it out on your enemies. (We are not encouraging you to try anything out on your enemies.)

Rule 2: If it has a point at the end, you can stab someone with it.

Rule 3: If it pierces the skin, rule 2 has been successful; otherwise, run.

Rule 4: If it pierces the skin but does not do more than penetrate, you should consider finding poison; quickly.

Rule 5: If you've decided you do not want to use your skin-penetrating object as a weapon, then pierce it somewhere else and hope for the best. Otherwise, prepare to die.

Rule 6: if your object does not have a pointy end (and yet you still found yourself reading rules two through five)  you are most likely annoyed enough to pick up something heavier.

Rule 7: All objects can be used as a blunt weapon.

Rule 8: if you have just attempted to use a feather as a blunt weapon, you have discovered that not all items are equally effective as blunt weapons.

Rule 9: having discovered that you need something more than a feather as a blunt weapon,  you should find something bigger, perhaps the weight of a spear.

Rule 10: Having used a spear as a blunt weapon, you have undoubtedly discovered that using the pointy end of it was better, as they now most likely wish to kill you for having hit them with a stick. Furthermore, rule six did not apply to you, and you have since been wasting your time.

Rule 11: Having now realized one should not use an object with a pointy end as a blunt weapon, you have most likely discovered something heavier at your disposal.

Rule 12: This heavy object is good for hitting things. Do it.

Rule 13: If, having overcompensated for the spear, you picked up a too heavy object and dropped it, you have now learned a valuable lesson: Do not try to smash people with statues. Have you tried a nice orb?

Rule 14: Having smashed someone's head with an orb, you have realized that it is rather too small for your purposes, or else perhaps big but likely to slip from your hands. Perhaps you should search for a pointy object instead?

Rule 15: Having not found a pointy object, you should instead look for an object of middling size with somewhat pointy corners, or at least some form of hitting surface; perhaps something flat.

Rule 16: having smashed someone down with this flat object, you have most likely realized that they occasionally get back up again.

Rule 17: Instead of reading this book, have you considered hitting them again?

Rule 18: For legal purposes, the author of this book in no way wants you to hit them the first time, yet alone again.

Rule 19: If you do choose to hit them again, perhaps you should get something a little bit better? Such as a poisoned and pointy object?

Rule 19: If these things are not available, you are not necessarily doomed, despite having most likely irritated your enemy beyond belief by following these instructions.

Rule 19:  If you are still following these instructions, you have obviously yet to realize that this book is the perfect size and weight for a blunt object.

Rule 20: The rest of these pages will be blank, in order to create the proper size and weight for use as a blunt object.

Rule 21: We will be charging you extra for this purpose.

Rule 22: But seriously; don't hit anyone.

Rule 23: Blank pages will commence.
Okay, so this was inspired by the latest issue of girl genius, [link]

The title of the book agatha used, mostly. :P I couldn't help but imagining what might be in it. :D

(I'd tell them about it, but they don't have an email address. ^^; It's not quite fan art, but it wouldn't be here without them. :P )


...Really, though, don't do any of this stuff, 'kay?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconhappytann:
happytann Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
This is pretty much verbatim how I play MMO's nowadays.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
MMO?
Reply
:iconhappytann:
happytann Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
It's short for MMORPG ^^

Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game
or
Many Men Online Role Playing Girls

I accept both. :D
Reply
:iconpoetkyte:
PoetKyte Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
This is absolutely brilliant.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconkefka750:
Kefka750 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lmao
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:D
Reply
:iconoblivionyr0083:
Oblivionyr0083 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
love it
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:)
Reply
:iconoblivionyr0083:
Oblivionyr0083 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
personaly i prefer warhammers and 8 of the giant axes from RE5 and the new RE movie =)
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
okay?
Reply
:iconoblivionyr0083:
Oblivionyr0083 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
what wrong with liking giant axehammers and warhammers they are so effective (sometimes they so psycologicly effective that combat is averted cause they enemy runs away)
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
Okay.
Reply
:iconoblivionyr0083:
Oblivionyr0083 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
specialy when it is an Abyssal Marilith swinging them around people tend to shit bricks first the haul ass in the opposite direction of me
Reply
:icongreytwilight:
greytwilight Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011  Hobbyist
. I actually ended up here through a link on the GG Wiki. Things get around fast it seems.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Don't suppose you have a link to the page, by the way? Just curious. ^^;
Reply
:icongreytwilight:
greytwilight Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist
Not off hand... there's a link on the Girl Genius site that goes to the Wiki article... and it was on the main page for a while
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Can't say I'm displeased. :)

It might be thanks to the guy who used facebook...

Or it might be because girl genius is just in comments, so someone saw it on a search.

Or it might be that I'm popular, but I don't know how much my fan circle intersects with theres.

Either way, I'm glad someone knows it's up. :P
Reply
:iconirateresearchers:
IrateResearchers Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
ah, you read Phoglio's work too?
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
Foglio?
Reply
:iconirateresearchers:
IrateResearchers Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
Yeah. Phil.

I have signed magic cards of his work.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Ahhh.
Reply
:iconirateresearchers:
IrateResearchers Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
funny stuff.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:)
Reply
:icontherealyuma:
TheRealYuma Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Here's a really improbable weapon: a bra. Seriously, just shove it someone's esophagus and they will choke.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
better to strangle, but...
Reply
:iconstorytypist:
StoryTypist Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
Good job :O. How hard was this for you to do?
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
Not very. ^^;
Reply
:iconstorytypist:
StoryTypist Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
o.0
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:P
Reply
:icondragonsrules77:
Dragonsrules77 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
I'm sure my fist would work well... Or a fork :fork:
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
Fork is a pointy object. :P
Reply
:icondragonsrules77:
Dragonsrules77 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
Pointy can be better sometimes...
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
True.
Reply
:iconchekm8:
chekm8 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
this is hillarious
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:)
Reply
:iconchekm8:
chekm8 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
i actually laughed. it was funny. i found it to be comical. it was amusing. i lolled. it (some synonymn for funny)

have I un-?-ed you now?
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
I didn't question, I smiled. ;_;
Reply
:iconchekm8:
chekm8 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2011
oops...
Reply
:iconmattwandcow:
mattwandcow Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
Also, i just went to FB and left a link to here on they're wal. Who knows if they'll see it, but someone might
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
Double thanks! :D
Reply
:iconmattwandcow:
mattwandcow Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
Love It! It took me a couple minutes to figure out exactly what Agatha's book said, but such a subtle detail made the laughs so much richer.

And if you did write this book udr the pseudonym of Get Tohand, I'd totally buy one...
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
Heh, thanks. :D
Reply
:iconsorawolf7:
SoraWolf7 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I`m not gonna do this... Maybe...

Anyway, funny stuff here! Nice job!
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:P

Thanks!
Reply
:iconsorawolf7:
SoraWolf7 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Welcome.
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
:)
Reply
:iconthemv:
TheMV Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmmm... If the rules didn't explicitly say not to hit anyone, I'm sure I could think of several people I would like to apply these rules to...
Reply
:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2011
Heh. ^^;
Reply
:icongarciarael:
garciarael Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
Ooh.
Reply
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