Using Found Objects as Weapons

The Guide to using found objects as weapons:

Rule 1: If you can lift it, you can hit something with it. No, really, try it out on your enemies. (We are not encouraging you to try anything out on your enemies.)

Rule 2: If it has a point at the end, you can stab someone with it.

Rule 3: If it pierces the skin, rule 2 has been successful; otherwise, run.

Rule 4: If it pierces the skin but does not do more than penetrate, you should consider finding poison; quickly.

Rule 5: If you've decided you do not want to use your skin-penetrating object as a weapon, then pierce it somewhere else and hope for the best. Otherwise, prepare to die.

Rule 6: if your object does not have a pointy end (and yet you still found yourself reading rules two through five)  you are most likely annoyed enough to pick up something heavier.

Rule 7: All objects can be used as a blunt weapon.

Rule 8: if you have just attempted to use a feather as a blunt weapon, you have discovered that not all items are equally effective as blunt weapons.

Rule 9: having discovered that you need something more than a feather as a blunt weapon,  you should find something bigger, perhaps the weight of a spear.

Rule 10: Having used a spear as a blunt weapon, you have undoubtedly discovered that using the pointy end of it was better, as they now most likely wish to kill you for having hit them with a stick. Furthermore, rule six did not apply to you, and you have since been wasting your time.

Rule 11: Having now realized one should not use an object with a pointy end as a blunt weapon, you have most likely discovered something heavier at your disposal.

Rule 12: This heavy object is good for hitting things. Do it.

Rule 13: If, having overcompensated for the spear, you picked up a too heavy object and dropped it, you have now learned a valuable lesson: Do not try to smash people with statues. Have you tried a nice orb?

Rule 14: Having smashed someone's head with an orb, you have realized that it is rather too small for your purposes, or else perhaps big but likely to slip from your hands. Perhaps you should search for a pointy object instead?

Rule 15: Having not found a pointy object, you should instead look for an object of middling size with somewhat pointy corners, or at least some form of hitting surface; perhaps something flat.

Rule 16: having smashed someone down with this flat object, you have most likely realized that they occasionally get back up again.

Rule 17: Instead of reading this book, have you considered hitting them again?

Rule 18: For legal purposes, the author of this book in no way wants you to hit them the first time, yet alone again.

Rule 19: If you do choose to hit them again, perhaps you should get something a little bit better? Such as a poisoned and pointy object?

Rule 19: If these things are not available, you are not necessarily doomed, despite having most likely irritated your enemy beyond belief by following these instructions.

Rule 19:  If you are still following these instructions, you have obviously yet to realize that this book is the perfect size and weight for a blunt object.

Rule 20: The rest of these pages will be blank, in order to create the proper size and weight for use as a blunt object.

Rule 21: We will be charging you extra for this purpose.

Rule 22: But seriously; don't hit anyone.

Rule 23: Blank pages will commence.